Met Ball 2014 Fashion Rundown: The Good!

Before we start doing something silly and frivolous, I want to make sure you all know that more than 230 Nigerian girls have been abducted by Boko Haram militants. You know about this, right? This horrible, real thing that is happening? Before you start reading about a bunch of idiots with money who can't figure out how to dress themselves, maybe send a quick email about it or express solidarity at the #bringbackourgirls tumblr. The fashion will certainly wait.

Hey! Welcome back! Thanks for sending that email. Now... onto the idiots who CAN dress themselves. My dear readers, the Met Ball this year was all sorts of disappointing. I was in need of smelling salts many times. I don't know how in the world some of these people translated "high society glamour" into "1992 midriff extravaganza" but it happened. A lot. Some people just can't take direction, I guess. Luckily no one showed up looking like grandma's couch this year. Ready for some big poufy dresses? You know I am!

THE GOOD

Posh and Becks!

Posh and Becks can take direction, of course. You might think she looks like a fancy napkin but, hand to God, this is one of the more polished looks of the night.

Gisele Bundchen!

This lip color might drive me to distraction, but the dress and the accessories are just wonderful. See how it juuuuuuust touches the ground and doesn't pull anywhere? That's a perfect fit.

Liu Wen!

Now THIS is a dress for the Met Ball. I straight up gasped when I saw it. Artful construction, unholy volume, gorgeous fit, amazing color.

Benedict Cumberbatch!

Perfect, perfect, perfect. You're welcome, Cumberbitches.

Fabiola Beracasa!

Glamour, poise, and somehow knowing how to wear that color. As a ghostly pale person, I'm fairly amazed.

Dita Von Teese!

Speaking of ghostly pale people... I have no idea how in the world she walked in that thing but I don't care. She is always on top of her game. And look: a necklace. Bless. (PS, don't you love sequin lady in the back? She is SO excited!)

Chiwetel Ejiofor (seen here with Sari Mercer)!

Please ignore Sari... we'll get to her later (because WTF is going on there?!?!?!?). Concentrate only on the glorious beauty that is Chiwetel and his lovely tux.

Jessica Pare!

Okay, yes, it's about two seconds away from going tits ahoy and, yes, she could use a necklace. Fine. But! I love the construction, I love the print, I love everything that's happening on her head, I love her cocktail rings.

Sarah Jessica Parker!

SJP is the mayor of the Met Ball. As mayor, she should know better than to let some intern just shove her dress into a limo... for shame that such crinkle would befall upon an Oscar. I was promised gloves and got barely any, so I'm exquisitely pleased about these elbow gloves. We can all acknowledge that SJP usually falters on the hair for the Met Ball, so I'll give her silly updo a pass. I will say this about the hair: I'd rather it be big than understated. (That's what she said.)

Johnny Depp (seen here with Amber Heard)!

Amber looks fine, if a little shellshocked and boring. Johnny, though, looks better than he has in years. Spats! A cane! Gloves! Many chains! A HAIRCUT! I may faint.

Emmy Rossum!

Guys! Remember that dreamy blue floral Lucy Liu wore to the Golden Globes last year? This dress is its sister and I adore it almost as much. (Both by Caroline Herrera, of course.) It just needs one little tug upwards before setting the boob tape and a little ice on the clavicle and it'd be perfect. Congratulations, Emmy Rossum: this is the first time in my entire life I was not bored just by looking at you.

Karolina Kurkova!

Girlfriend has been in the Good pile since I stared covering the Met Ball. Remember? The blinged out turban in 2012? And punk by way of high fashion and Beetlejuice that I inexplicably loved last year? This is a HOME RUN, though. I cannot overstate how much I love this Marchesa (with necklace, bless). The structure, the silhouette, the color, the detail - Georgina, you've outdone yourself.

Selena Gomez!

I thought I'd give you an elegant palate cleanser in the midst of the Big Dress Blow Out. I have nothing bad to say about any of this.

Sarah Silverman (with bonus bored-looking Michael Sheen in the background)!

While this is not the most flattering angle to view this dress because it makes the bust look super weird, I think she looks fantastic. But can we have a moment to realize that the Met Ball is perhaps a disaster if Sarah Silverman is one of your best dressed? She's definitely been upping her game lately, but still...

Blake Lively!

Stunning, just stunning. Quick question: how much boob tape is she wearing?! That is a gravity-defying feat of wonder there.

Hailee Steinfeld!

Most attendees of the Met Gala this year were out-dressed by a 17 year old. Now, she happens to be a 17 year old who consistently makes EXCELLENT fashion choices, but still. This look is phenomenal.

Okay... and now we're down to my two favorite looks of the night - one classic, one edgy.

Charlize Theron (with bonus background Olsen preview)!